Say Her Name

My daughter died two and a half years ago and everyday I’m fighting for her life.

I’m fighting for her life to be acknowledged, to be recognized, to be remembered.
For her name to be said, for her presence to be counted. I’m fighting for her, and for me as her mother, to be seen.

I don’t know how many times this has happened, but it happens everywhere, with everyone. At work, at a party, at dance classes, with friends and family, and with acquaintances. Lately it’s been a big issue with most of my boyfriend’s friends. I find myself talking with someone who knows very well I have a baby and she died, but who would rather cut his own arm with a pocked knife than utter the two syllables that form my daughter’s name. They chatter on endlessly about their own kids, but if it try to join in the conversation, sharing a memory about Soley, they will pretend they didn’t even hear it!

Better to swiftly change the subject than acknowledge babies can die, I guess.

If I’m lucky, I’ll get a question about my job – apparently, my students make for a better conversation topic than my dead kid.

I have a kid too, do you remember?

Even if you won’t say a damn word about her. Not how sorry you are that she had cancer, or what a coincidence it is that your son was born on her birthday. I thought there was a social convention that mandated us all to congratulate each other on our babies, but apparently it doesn’t apply to dead kids.

Most people won’t ask to see a picture; most people won’t even say her name.

Why wouldn’t you say her name ? Are you uncomfortable ? Are you scared ? Are you too self-centered to even be interested ? Are you plain cruel and trying to hurt me ? Why do you exclude her this way ?

Do you think I’m going to play along and just ignore her ? Pretend she never even existed ?

I can’t.

I’m not saying Soley has to be the subject of every conversation I’ll ever have, but she can’t become a taboo either. I’m a mother. She is the most important person of my life. Even if you don’t care. Even if you feel uncomfortable.

You have to say something.

Just say her name.

Chloë Sóleyjarmóðir
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Chloë is 27, and a high school teacher. But before anything else, she's Soley's mom. Soley was diagnosed at age 3 months with an aggressive kind of brain cancer called ATRT. She showed an amazing fight through months of hospital and chemotherapy, but treatment was ineffective and she died at 11 months. Soley is her only baby, and remains her whole world. You can read about her story on her blog, aboutholland.wordpress.com

7 thoughts on “Say Her Name”

  1. Dear Chloe, Soley’s mommy

    I’m Askale, Savannah’s mom (she’d be 2 1/2 weeks old). Just know that Soley is mighty proud of her mama! You are an inspiration for us grieving moms. May all our angels be celebrated Jarryd, Soley, Savannah, Elizabeth and all the other ? ?? angels. We’ll always love you.

  2. I am sorry people are so weird, I think people don’t have a clue what to do or say. It comes across as they just don’t care. People care they just can’t understand because their worlds have never been frozen in time.
    Your beautiful Soley has touched a place in my heart, as have you. I am sorry for your pain. we lost our granddaughter Dec of 2014, we say her name everyday Addison Miley is also loved and forgotten.
    Our beautiful baby dolls are running and playing with others like them, must to Beautiful for earth.

  3. Dear Chloe, Soley’s Mom,

    I’m Elizabeth’s Mom, Maria. A relative shared your blog with me. Elizabeth would be 8 weeks old now and was born still. I just wanted to say I feel your pain and send you tremendous amounts of love.

    Maria

  4. I’ve whispered your little girls name just now to the night sky, with my sons name.
    Soley and Jarryd, I hope you are playing nicely and having fun wherever you are.
    We love you and will always be your mummies.

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