It’s taken me awhile to admit it, but I think losing James has made me a better person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t rather have him here. I would gladly give anything to have my son with me again. What I am saying is that since losing him so suddenly – never expecting heartache that intense – I feel it’s made me more compassionate, more aware of what truly matters, and better able to connect with others on a completely new level.
When I first lost James, I was trapped in feelings of anger and intense loss. I didn’t know how to act or what was supposed to be “normal”. I didn’t want others to see me accidentally smile because I didn’t want them to think I was okay. I wasn’t. I had lost my child. It took me about five months to be able to leave the house and go into public places without worrying about what others were thinking. As time passed, instead of being afraid of what others thought I became concerned with how I could make my son proud. I wanted to be able to hear him scream from heaven proudly, “That’s my mommy!”
Because of James, I started seeing things from a new perspective. What if others were hurting as much as I was? What if, they too had just lost a child and were just having a hard time functioning? When others were harsh or rude, I stopped caring about common courtesy and dropped what I call a #DeadBabyBomb. I told them my story, that I was hurting and having a hard time. I asked about their story. So many times this simple act of compassion opened a door that allowed them to share their hurt. As we connected with each other, we were able to push past the inconsequential and focus on what really matters.
I have found so many opportunities to share my story and hear of other’s hurts by just being kind and open with my emotions – even in my pain. In line at the bank, while getting a manicure, at a coffee shop. I have cried and laughed with so many. I have given and received so many needed hugs.
I feel my James with me more than ever, and for that I am a better person.
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Ashley Sheehan, 24, is from Elizabethtown, KY. She is mother to James Harlan Edward Sheehan.
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