Two years ago, I met a woman at a bereaved moms retreat. She was beautiful and beaming, a soothed soul, the kind of women that grief didn’t make sour. She said she didn’t want the daughter she lost during birth to be linked with anything negative; on the contrary, she wanted the baby she missed to inspire the best in her. I saw her as a kind of Buddha mama. But then I wondered, what does that make me? Like the evil one or something ?
Let’s be real, I’m nowhere near calm and compassionate. Sometimes I feel what happened to me made me cold, heartless even. Losing my daughter drastically reduced my capacity to feel empathy (and I’m not sure I had that much to start with). I have a very hard time finding compassion in my heart for people who didn’t lost a child. On my good days, I can include people with serious illnesses, and that’s about as far as I can go. It upsets me to hear people whining about what I consider triviality – and when you’ve buried a child, pretty much everything sounds trivial.
Every time someone complains to me, I can’t help thinking (and sometimes saying) « If that’s the biggest problem in your life, then you’re f-ing lucky. » I want to shake them up a bit and scream. Seriously ? I have spent half a year in a hospital, I have gone for months without sleep, without privacy, without breaks. I have watched my child go through hell and suffer more pain than most adults in their lifetime. I have fought doctors who thought they knew better than me. My 3 month-old laid on an operation table for someone to OPEN HER HEAD. I’m not sure people can picture that. I had to watch my kid suffer from epilepsy crises for hours, praying for her to come back to me. I have watch her tumor grow and grow on each new scan. Eventually, i watched my own child die. Now I live everyday without my daughter. And you chose to come to ME with your stupid problem ? Have some decency, do us both a favor and take your work issues and boyfriend problems to someone else!
(Yes, i plead guilty of insensitivity. People can judge me when they bury their 11 months-old.)
So if you’re on Buddha mama’s team, if you lost your baby and still find it in your heart to try to be better instead of better – good on you, I’ll look up to you and I’ll most likely try to be your friend. But if your patience is running low and you’re not feeling the empathy vibe – come to the dark side mama, embrace your bitterness, and rest assured you’re not alone.
We’ve come through hell and back and we’ve survived. It’s about time the rest of the world cut us some slack.
- Love After Loss – Part II - February 10, 2017
- Love After Loss – Part I - February 8, 2017
- Sorry Not Sorry - January 23, 2017
Thank you for representing and speaking on behalf of the Darkness in a world that shuns it. It is just as valid and valuable as the Buddha Mamas. With love from another loss mom.
I love you passion, Chloë! Stay open to change, my dear! You never know! My infant daughter died 45 years – actually was killed 45 years ago – and I was where you are for MANY years. Now, I’m more the Buddha-mama, trying to make the world a better place in honor of Tigerlily. I NEVER would have thought it! If we stay open, there are many different ways we might transform!
Beautiful to see that transformation can happen. Sorry for the tragic loss of your child.
I get lost sometimes in bitterness towards the trivial complainers. Especially during the holidays.
But, I try (sometimes the “try” doesn’t happen at all) to remember that I don’t know everyone’s story so their trivial complaint in that moment might not be their worst.
Before I lost my son, I worked for a cable and Internet provider. A woman called to report her television was not working and got extremely hateful. I knew the woman (but didn’t know her story) and was a little hurt and disappointed in her attitude, it was just television, no reason to be mean.
That evening my husband and I discussed our day and when I got to my day I explained what happened and he said to me in the calmest, most sympathetic tone I had heard from him, he’s usually not the voice of reason, I am. He said to me, “Danni she might have just been having a bad day, she lost her son (it had been quite a few years since her loss but grieving mothers know that child loss grief doesn’t acknowledge time). I’m thankful for that moment. However, with that being said, my empathy supply runs low with folks that I know well enough to say their worst moments really are trivial.
This is wonderful. I’very felt his exact way so many times. People praise you for your strength and them malign you for what it takes to be that strong. Power on mama, may we impart a little perspective in a shallow world.
What a true statement…”people praise you for your strength and then malign you for all it takes to be that strong.” Thank you.
It is ok to feel the way you do no one has the right to tell you other wise
I lost my little girl Clara at the age of two 1/2 She was born with CHD and they didn’t tell me much till she had a heart Cath and it went bad from there she was in the hospital for 6 days on ECMO she went into cardiac arrest two times.
It is devastating to watch you child die and can’t do anything about it
Anger isn’t the word for it
But for me I live for Clara I honor her anyway I can and my walk with God has become so more important then ever
Thank you for sharing your story
I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. My daughter was born sleeping almost a year ago. At first I was numb and sad to it all and as time goes on I seem to get more angry and bitter. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling this way, but then I tell myself that I lost my baby girl and I have every right to feel the way that I do. I agree that it is hard to show emphathybto anyone who has not lost a child.
Love this. Thank you for keeping it real
Oh mama, my heart is with you. I end up on both sides of the fence. I know that if I had been the one to die and my daughter be left here, I would not want her to spend her life living in despair, blaming herself or seeing her inner light dimmed due to sadness and grief. This strategy is not foolproof. I do feel that I am still the person I have always been but also very different. I am scarred, changed forever and like you, struggle to understand others complaints unless they have truly gone through hellfire as I feel my husband and family did when we lost our one and only daughter, Evelyn Ryann. Thank you for this post, I do not read the posts on my support groups and blogs as often as I used to but every now and then one will stand out and I always feel I need to comment when it does. Again, thank you mama, my heart is with you.
I’m soo sorry for your loss!!! I too lost my son in a horrible car accident he had just turned 11yrs old and they had to cut his head open twice for brain surgery but to no avail he passed away 4 days later in the hospital you don’t have to say sorry to anyone about how you or what you feel that was your child and will always be your child!!! God Bless you and take care!! Xoxoxoxo
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter, Fiona Grace 3.5 years ago. I’m glad to see I am not the only one on the dark side of this. I have had those moments as you described. The worst for me is when news of a baby is shared with me. I am always nice (as my mom taught me to be) and smile and say oh how nice. While in my head I am screaming at them. Don’t get me wrong I am happy that that person had a health baby and they didn’t have to go through what I (we) went through, but in the same sense I feel like the universe is being cruel to me, showing me what i probably will never have. All we can do is live each day the best we can and hope for the best in our lives. Hugs to you.
I love this so much. And there are still so very, very many days I feel like this even though my son was born sleeping nearly 9 years ago.
Everyone else’s problems seem petty when it doesn’t involve burying a child. And I can’t remember the last time someone asked me “how are YOU doing?”, and meant it.
((hugs)) to all loss parents.
Chloe, you have every right to feel the way you do. I lost my daughter at birth and I cannot imagine the pain you hold inside with the memories you have of Soley. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. You be who you need to be. I too lost all empathy for anyone around me and have become bitter to the world’s “problems”. You are welcome to contact me if you need someone to talk to.