Every year we always say “New Year New Me”. That usually entails working out, setting goals, and dreaming about what this year will bring. But being a loss mom a New Year for me means a whole lot less. It means living another year childless. Living another year wishing I had what was taken from me the year before. It means a whole year of hearing all the new pregnancy announcements. It means another year of grief.
When the New Year began on January 1st I should have been ringing it in with my 8 month old. Instead, I was surrounded by a bunch of people that I barely know. Surrounded by a bunch of people who do not know my pain. Surrounded around a bunch of people who were ecstatic they had a babysitter for the night. I wanted to be able to say that I had a babysitter for the night because that would mean that I had a baby. But once again I didn’t. Once again I am living another year with no child. Once again I am living the same year over and over.
2017 will be my year….. At least that’s what everyone keeps saying. But I don’t want 2017 to be my year. 2016 was supposed to be my year. 2016 turned into the worst year of my life and it will spill into 2017. I do however have a little twinkle of hope that 2017 may be different. I hope that 2017 will just not be a sink pool of sadness and grief. Rowan’s spirit lives on in my heart and I want that spirit in the light and not consumed by darkness. So I keep telling myself that 2017 will be her year!
2017 will not bring her back but she will live on, through me.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My name is Jessica and I am 32 years old. I am a wife and the mother of 1 playful 4 year old puppy. We are proud to call Atlanta, GA our home. Since being married, me and my husband have experienced 6 losses, 5 of them being very early and the 6th one happening at 33 weeks on April, 18, 2016. Losing our daughter Rowan has and will forever be the hardest thing we have ever been through. We are living day by day and forever supporting each other. I hope that by sharing my story and daily struggles some of you can find some sort of peace knowing that you are not alone.
- Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020