Is it just me or has there been a complete barrage of pregnancy announcements lately? Good Lord, it’s like no one had anything better to do in February or March!
Before we get into the thick of things, this post comes with a couple caveats:
- I’m not completely side-eyeing the folks that announce their pregnancies on Facebook. Jeff and I chose to do it with Brady.
- My current feelings towards pregnancy announcements probably has to do with the fact that I’m comfortably settling into the “anger” phase of grief.
One thing I’ve learned throughout my grieving process is that the words of others can have a huge impact on my emotional state. The silver lining is that I’m learning to be much more sensitive to this, and will continue to monitor my words and actions in the future in the hopes that I won’t cause additional hurt to someone who is already really hurting.
Now, back to those Facebook announcements, and here is where I am going to sound like a total bitch, despite my warnings above. I feel a myriad of emotions when I see a pregnancy announced, and not one of them is legitimate happiness. It’s a total mix. Frustration, at the fact that we are not even halfway through the waiting period before we can even TRY for another child. Fear, that the awful things that happened in my pregnancy will happen to you (because it can happen to ANYONE and I did nothing to “cause” it). And mostly, jealousy, at the fact that you can be blissfully excited about a pregnancy. I will never be able to feel that way again.
You see, I come from the land of no guarantees. Get pregnant, wait 9 months, have a healthy baby. That’s how it always works. Until it doesn’t. Most people choose to announce a pregnancy at 12 weeks or later because it’s deemed “safe”. You know my story, and I know the stories of many others, and I can tell you that it is never safe.
I’m not going to comment on your post and offer you insincere congratulations. Having any interaction that’s not genuine is completely pointless to me. I barely have the energy to have genuine interactions, so I am certainly not going to waste my energy on fake ones. I know that’s harsh, but it’s the truth. Here’s another silver lining, if I do offer you congratulations at some point, you’ll know that they are sincere.
If I could avoid reading your announcement all together, I would. I have become the queen of unfollowing since Brady passed away. (Oh, you have a newborn you post about incessantly? Cool. Unfollow.) It’s to protect myself from the overwhelming mix of emotions I feel when I see those posts. The thing with pregnancy announcements is that they come out of the blue. There’s no avoiding it, except to be off Facebook completely. I’m considering it, but I haven’t made that leap. Until then, you can expect more posts like this, and a whole lot more snark from me. There’s a lot more where this came from.
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This resonates with me so much. The anger phase has definitely overcome me and I can’t help but get triggered over small ignorant comments or posts. Yes I am indeed jealous. Jealous of the blissful ignorance as you say, that the pregnancy announcements hold – or the many many posts of newborn babies who were born at the same time as my daughter and being reminded of all the milestones, I won’t ever get to have with her. But thanks for the reminders. It’s unfortunately just the way I feel. I wish I was at the other end of it – so smug about my newborn journey, thinking others are just jealous of my happiness. Not a care in the world. I wish I hadn’t lost that naivety in the process of grief. It sucks to be a loss mum. And I miss my daughter so much 💔😢 thank you for your words – it’s the kind of raw honesty that we need at this time 💜
I love this. There are 2 parts of this blog that I re-read multiple times because I just love the words: “Having any interaction that’s not genuine is completely pointless to me. I barely have the energy to have genuine interactions, so I am certainly not going to waste my energy on fake ones.”
“One thing I’ve learned throughout my grieving process is that the words of others can have a huge impact on my emotional state. The silver lining is that I’m learning to be much more sensitive to this, and will continue to monitor my words and actions in the future in the hopes that I won’t cause additional hurt to someone who is already really hurting.”
Thanks for sharing & being such a good & genuine person 🙂
Thanks, Alex! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and what stood out to you.
Becca! I love you. Thank you for your honesty and explaining so well exactly how us loss mamas feel. Keep telling your story friend!
Sarah, thank you for reading and encouraging me to share. I’m so grateful to have friends like you who are able to validate my feelings – it’s so much less lonely this way.
I had a very similar conversation with my husband yesterday. This is me to a T.
Sarah, thank you for commenting. I’m never sure if other mamas feel the same way I do!
Well said. Exactly how I feel…now that you put it I to words for me. Thank you for sharing and letting me know I am not the only one with these feelings.
Nicole, thank you for letting me know you’ve felt the same way too. It makes it a bit less lonely!