It begins, every June… as I go on Social Media, the “On This Day” posts show up. I have a vicious love/hate relationship with TimeHop/On this Day. Many people have suggested I delete it, and remove the triggers and the pain that come with them. It’s logical: why put myself through it? And I agree with the part of me that hates it. But then there’s the part of me that loves it.
Today, 5 years ago, we announced our pregnancy. Completely oblivious to the hurt we probably caused our friends who were having problems with fertility or had a loss. Innocent and obnoxiously happy. Those were the days before we learned about heartbreak, loss, and just how many of us there are. We waited the full four months, as I was high risk and my OB did not think 3 months was in “the safe zone” for anyone, let alone me. (How right he turned out to be…)
I read all 66 comments again last night. Each one excited for us and filled with love. I felt wistful but not heartbroken, as I have in the past. It’s just not the same anymore. The cracks remain, but — on a daily basis — it no longer feels raw, unless a trigger smacks me in the face. From now until August, this app and I will fight and love each other fiercely.
I can’t undo it, I can’t turn it off ; so many times it reminds me of a happy memory or a funny day. My brain went through so much when I was sick – so very many seizures, a six week coma, more medications than seem possible — a lot of those moments I have forgotten. This app that I love/hate brings them back to me, and I’m both grateful/furious for that. I appreciate the return of memories that illness has robbed me of — remembering how happy we were, how excited and how it really wasn’t good when my husband would eat all of my nachos (one of the 3 foods I could digest).
Last night I marveled how I was finally at a place where I could see Thomas’ ultrasound and not hurt. Not be triggered. I felt okay.
But, I think that might have been a bit too soon to judge, as I woke up with the familiar heavy heart, today. I woke up grieving. Isn’t it just like grief to remind me that I’ll never really be “okay” with his death.
I’ll forever be the mum who has the pregnancy announcement reminders, but never the one with the “on this day” reminders of the five year old who should be here. That’s the life of a Still Mother…
How do YOU feel about social media and its reminders?
- The Importance Of Pictures - October 12, 2020
- Self-Isolation And Still Mothers - April 3, 2020
- And Here We Are - June 24, 2019
I could have written this post myself. So hard and yet you cling onto those reminders too don’t you. Mine starts in May / June as well and goes right up to his birthday on 6th July.
Absolutely – I have never loved/hated something so entirely! gentle hugs
Hi Andrea- Thank you for your words. I have this struggle so often myself. I think I should go completely off of facebook so I won’t have the reminders and triggers. But, then I realize how much I enjoy keeping in touch with my friends and their lives. We also waited four months for the announcement and it still wasn’t long enough. It will be a year for our announcement in October, and I have no idea how I will feel about social media on that day, but right now, articles like yours that I see there help me.
I’ve considered it and at times, on holidays where Facebook becomes one big trigger, I take breaks. But I also find a lot of support via social media, a complex relationship, no question. Be kind to yourself on your due date; the first year, I think I just slept and cried – and that was okay. Gentle hugs