In case you were wondering, gingerbread cake with spinach tastes good. Of course, you probably weren’t wondering. But last weekend, I went to visit a camp where I used to work. Camp lends itself to absolute silliness, and on this day the prescribed silliness was an activity schedule that said “Wish Charlie* a happy birthday.”
Today, of course was not Charlie’s birthday, so how funny is it to have kids coming up to you enthusiastically all day wishing you a happy birthday? You’ll have to ask Charlie to know exactly how funny it is.
To add to the silliness, a fellow camp alumnus and I decided to make a cake, with spinach in the mix. We thought the chocolate frosting would hide the underlying vegginess that would make the cake unappetizing. We giggled looking forward to the look on Charlie’s face when he took the first bite and realized it wasn’t the treat he’d imagined.
“When is Charlie’s birthday?” Someone asks as we make the cake. Thank you, 2017 technology, even in the sticks of New Hampshire my phone could pull up Facebook and reveal his birthday. The exact same day my due date would’ve been if I hadn’t miscarried. Suddenly everything seems less silly.
When I miscarried, I thought that if I could avoid being sad for the first weeks or months, I’d never have to feel it. I spent so much time in those early days tying so hard to be happy. I watched kid movies, went rock climbing, worked long hours, weeded my garden, posted pictures of me smiling on social media. I figured if I ignored the pain it would go away. I filled my days so there was no down time for my mind to wander to my sadness.
Turns out, sadness is harder to escape than I thought; better to acknowledge then ignore. It wasn’t just in those early weeks or months that it’d be with me, but rather, perhaps, for the rest of my life. Moments like this, while making a spinach gingerbread cake, when I least expect it.
I didn’t expect to miscarry. I didn’t expect to it to be this emotionally tough when I did. I didn’t expect that trying for pregnancy #2 would be so much harder than the first time around.
Likewise, Charlie didn’t expect spinach in his “birthday” cake. And we didn’t expect it to taste alright! I’m trying to get used to the taste of my life right now, when it’s simply a different flavor than I anticipated. It doesn’t have to mean it tastes bad.
As the saying goes, “when life gives you spinach, make spinach cake.”
Or something like that… 🙂
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Kae lives in the mountains of Vermont with her husband and piles of outdoor gear for rock climbing, canoeing and skiing. When not teaching youngsters to follow in her adventurous footsteps, she enjoys knitting, writing, and eating ice cream with peanut butter sauce.
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