Dear well-meaning friend,

I know your intention is to have a positive conversation about how adopting could be a great way for me to have the baby I want so badly. There are just a couple things I want you to know before you bring it up.

First, when you ask the question, do not say “Why don’t you just adopt?”. That phrasing has an accusatory tone to it, like you’re saying “Duh, adoption will just solve all your problems, so quit being sad and just get a baby through adoption.” The last thing a grieving mom needs is to told that she should just stop being sad. Asking in this way will cause me pain, and will lead to a swift end in our conversation.

Instead, try something like “Are you guys considering adoption?” or “Do you think you’ll consider adoption?” – something that lets me give you my opinion, instead of just needing to defend it.

Second, keep in mind that some grieving moms won’t want to talk to you about adoption at all. While I might be ready to give you my thoughts, for some, the pain is just too raw, the feelings too bitter, and the idea just too sad to think about right now. If you get the hint that she doesn’t want to talk about it, let it go.

Third, go into the conversation with an open heart, an open mind, and lots of love for me. I can tell when you’re actually open to hearing what I want to say about it, and I will open up to you if I can read that your intentions are pure love.

Lastly, and most importantly, know that adopting is not a magic fix for this. When I dream of being a mom, I dream of conceiving and carrying my own child. That child is half of me, half of his or her wonderful father. I want to go through giving labor to my child, to see my and my husband’s faces reflected in my child’s face. I want to see my husband’s eyes, my strawberry blond hair, my long fingers and toes, and our blue eyes together in a beautiful child. I want to feed this baby from my breast, cradle him or her to my chest so he can hear the heartbeat that soothed him for months in my womb, and just know that my body nourished and held this baby for 9 months.

Adopting would put a baby in my arms, yes, and I would love that baby as deeply as I would love one that came from my own body. However, adopting is, in a way, giving up on all of those dreams that go along with having my own baby. Seeing my and my husband’s features reflected, breastfeeding, carrying for 9 months – none of that is possible with an adopted baby, and is therefore not my dream.

Please remember all of these things when you bring up adoption. For some grieving moms, maybe it’s something they’re considering, but no, it’s not the same as having a baby. It won’t just fix my sadness or replace being able to have my own child, and it certainly won’t make up for the absence of the child I’ll love and miss for the rest of my life.