It’s been a rough (almost) 2 years. You have experienced more than many will in their lifetime. While you have suffered great loss, you also know great love. I just wanted to remind you of a few things.
The infertility/loss combo is a B!
It will make you feel physically broken. Inept, incapable, and poorly made. Those feelings are pretty much inevitable. Focus on the good and remember that your body is capable of many wonderful and important things. You can use it to hold your loved ones close, lend a helping hand, and outhit the boys on the ball field! You are no less than any other woman.
Your innocence is lost, but don’t let your trials steal your hope, or your joy.
You have now experienced multiple losses. You know that no number of deaths makes you exempt. It’s enough to harden the softest heart, but you don’t want to be a miserable cow. So, hope anyway. Dream anyway. Plan anyway. Celebrate anyway. All of your children deserve the best mama you can be, regardless of whether they live, or die. And because regret.
Don’t be scared. You’ve climbed higher mountains.
Afraid that new nose ring will hurt? Scared of that towering rollercoaster? Intimidated by your new job? Fear of failure? Look, no matter what it is, you’ve already proven to conquer giants. You gave birth, you came home empty handed, and you eulogized your son. You returned to your classroom and had to explain that your baby died, you came home daily to a baby-less nursery, and you fought through some PTSD. You gambled and made a career change, you made it through a year without Benny, and you nearly lost your marriage forever. You managed to get off the grief weight, make time for the important things in life, and just when you thought you’d caught a break- you lost Baby Smalls. The point is, that only scratches the surface and you continue to come out on top. Keep Going…
Be kind.
Life may have hit you with a few beanballs, but you should never reciprocate the hurt. You have tiny baby angels in Heaven to make proud; follow through with all the wonderful life lessons you were to teach them on Earth. You have a real opportunity to support others, lift them up, and be the good. It’s bad enough that your children have died, your good character and your purpose doesn’t have to die as well.
Be thankful.
You are blessed. You were given the gift of motherhood, regardless of how freaking backwards it has been. Your babies are miracles! It gave you so much joy to carry them both. You also have an annoyingly close family that has been there through it all. They are your biggest fans. Your friend-family has also been incredibly supportive when you need to reach outside of your broken-hearted family. You’ve met many amazing bereaved families, made lifelong friendships, and had the honor of supporting others on their journey. Never forget to be thankful for the many amazing things life has brought you!
So when you’re tired as a mother and feel like life is dragging you down, read this letter. Breathe. Focus on the good. Keep Going.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Ashley Rae Materniak || Mama to Benny, Baby Smalls, & Roscoe Dog
After four years of unexplained fertility struggles, Ashley and her husband Drew conceived their sweet Benny Boy. Benny was stillborn at 39w2d on 8/4/2015. Heartbroken and lost Ashley sought out support groups, volunteered for a pregnancy and infant loss nonprofit organization, and began performing random acts of kindness that she refers to as “Be Kind for Benny”. The Materniaks conceived and lost their second child, Baby Smalls, in the Spring of 2017. Despite the lack of answers regarding their journey, the Materniaks refuse to give up hope. Ashley finds healing in writing, supporting other bereaved families, spreading kindness, and playing softball. She aspires to one day write children’s books.
- Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020