There are many things I struggled with after losing my daughter and in all honesty, every day still brings its own struggles. While I feel as though I’m through the storm, the battle is not over. The battle will never truly be over and I’m okay with that because moving on means forgetting and the truth is, forgetting is not an option.
The things I’ve found I struggle with now that my “normal” life has resumed, is the guilt that hits you catching you off guard, while also struggling to make sense of losing her.
The guilt comes on the good days. The days I realize I haven’t stopped to mourn her or wonder about her. I’ll find myself driving along on my afternoon commute home from work and realize Quinn hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind that day, and then, the guilt comes.
The rational side of me realizes I’m not a terrible person for simply trying to take ownership of my life and live my best life. But, the emotional side wonders how I could possibly go about my daily routine without stopping to feel the effects of her absence.
I’ve found though, that I take solace in knowing her life, short as it was, has purpose. This has greatly aided in both my healing process and elevating the pangs of guilt. I have to believe that she was gifted to me for a reason – that her life and her purpose extend even further than me. It’s because of her that I find myself in search of any way I can aide others who have experienced my pain – whether that’s being vocal about infant loss and awareness through my personal social media, or even being a blog contributor for this group. But even beyond that, it’s being a pillar of support for those around me who have experienced similar losses, or finding ways to give back in her name and honor her. I am undoubtedly stronger because of her and through her, I am a better person.
But, the journey doesn’t end there. The battle continues. There will still be tough days and I still have so much sense to try and make of it all. The waves of guilt will still come and go and I will continue to ward them off the best I can. I will still feel moments of sadness when someone announces they’re expecting a girl, or I see a smiling baby girl and wonder what could’ve been. But, most importantly I will continue to find ways to not only be a better person for me, but to be better and stronger for her and for those around me. I don’t have all the answers and I certainly don’t pretend to, but the only thing that gives me real comfort in all of this is believing her precious life has meaning and she was mine for a reason.
- Being More Than Bereaved - April 29, 2019
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- The Road Less Traveled - March 12, 2018