When I found out I was pregnant with Kendall, I was no longer in a relationship with his Dad. There were real reasons why the relationship was over, ironically, one of them was he already had children and was not the kind of Dad to them I wanted for my children. I can still hear The Universe softly chuckling at the irony. He and I loved each other in broken and damaged ways. But there was not one thing healthy for either of us in a relationship, so being apart was best. We had reconnected after a year of separation and along came Kendall.
I discovered I was pregnant alone at home. I made and attended my doctors’ appointments alone. I had a dear friend who supported me and when I told only a few select family members they too were kind, loving and supportive. But I was alone. And I knew that was best. The idealistic childlike part of me hoped Kendall’s Dad would make the changes he needed, to be the Dad Kendall deserved, but I was as close to certain as one can be, that this would never be true. So, when I heard the horrible words that there was no heartbeat and no more baby, I actually felt in that moment that it was best for Kendall.
You see, I was a Child Advocate at that point in my career. I worked with children who were afraid of their fathers and had been emotionally and/or physically hurt by them. I saw, daily, the impact and pain caused by the words and hands of men who were not ready, willing and/or able to be positive parents. I witnessed custody pick-ups and drop-offs at police stations and comforted kiddos whose Dads, yet again, broke their promise of visiting and time together. I had never envisioned being the Mom of a child in those circumstances, but that is exactly where my life was heading and where Kendall’s would have gone. I am certain he, nor I, would never have been physically harmed by his Dad but the emotional toll of being the child of a man with significant unaddressed and unhealed psychological trauma and generational abuse would have been devastating for all involved.
I knew, inherently KNEW, that night in the hospital that Kendall was better off never knowing any of that pain. I knew he was in a better place. I have even had moments when I am pretty certain he chose to go to free me from a cycle of pain that I would have consciously walked every day to make his life the best I could. How is that for some serious guilt tripping? I made such poor choices, from broken places inside me, that my son was better off not joining me here on Earth. Yup, I said it, Yup, I mean it. And yup I am peaceful and okay with it, now. But for a long, long, long time, I hated myself for that truth. If you can relate for any reason, even one completely different than mine, you know what torture that can be. The avoidance, the crying, the shaming self-talk, all of which can take over at any moment, all of it is beyond painful. On top of deep sadness and grief.
You see, knowing Kendall was better off was a beautiful feeling, but living without him was something different entirely. I have never for one moment wished he had lived for his sake. I know that may seem foreign to many of you. Some may even find it cruel or offensive, but for me, from the moment he died, I knew he was better off. I did not know what that looked like or sounded like. I was unsure what it meant or if there was an actual place he now was, but I knew he was surrounded in only love and light and this Mom had no greater wish for her baby boy. But, for me, for my heart and my life, I wished he had lived. I no longer wish that, I love exactly how my journey with Kendall was and is. But that does not mean I did not, and still do not wonder about a lot of it. I wondered if he felt loved and peaceful wherever he was. The absence of pain and heartache is one thing, but the presence of love is another. Was he happy? Did he know how much I loved him? Was he okay with his Dad’s lack of involvement? Was he forgiving of his Dad? Of me? All of this haunted me sometimes. Until one glorious day I was doing some healing work. And I got yet another gift from The Universe.
It was around 4 years after I lost Kendall, I know because I have always been blessed to “see” Kendall. I can describe who he is even now as what would be a 19 year old young man. But this one particular day I was doing guided meditation and part of it was to picture all of your people cheering for you from an audience. We were asked to picture ourselves enjoying that from a stage and scan the crowd to see who was there. I was surprised by some present faces and saddened by missing ones. And then it happened, I heard a little boy’s voice yelling “Mommy!” and I looked up and back toward the outdoor part of the imagined amphitheater. And sitting with his Dad was Kendall. Smiling and waving and yelling “Mommy!!”. His Dad was smiling too. They both waved and were so cute sitting there together beaming, Father and Son. I knew not only was Kendall better off, he was at peace with his Dad and me. It was a moment I can clearly still recall fifteen years later. And one more gift that this amazing little boy, and our journey together, has given me.
So for me, I know Kendall’s journey was always in his best interest. Through love and healing I now stand, and have for a while now, in a place of deep gratitude for the all-too-brief life my son and I shared on Earth together. I would not wish this journey on anyone, nor would I say anyone traveling it must find their way in the manner in which I have. But what I will say, is there are gifts that can be found that are profound and life altering even in the midst of horrible pain. I hope for anyone reading this, that even though we got here through almost unspeakable pain, we can find those gifts in moments and hold them until we can hold our babies.
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