Dear Expectant/Newborn Mother,
Let me just say that I am so happy for you. I am so happy that your baby is healthy and that you are okay. It is a relief that you do not know the earth shattering pain that I live with every day. I am elated that you got to leave the hospital with your child, instead of leaving them there, like I had to. I am joyful that you get to celebrate this new little life that has changed your world forever. Bottom line, I am so very happy for you.
However, I am also jealous of you. I want to be you. I want to bring home a healthy baby. I want to be able to raise my child, like I was supposed to. I want to be pregnant again, to be able to experience some of what you are right now. However, my experience will never be like yours ever again. The loss of my child will always be there. There will always be a sadness associated with any happiness for the rest of my life because my child is missing.
I’m sorry that I am bitter towards you. It is through no fault of your own. It is simply because of the fact that you have what I should. You got to bring your baby home. That should’ve been me, but my child was ripped away from me. Your happiness is a reminder of my incredible loss. It is a reminder of the piece that I will forever be missing. It is a reminder of the unfairness that is this life.
I’m sorry that I have to distance myself from you. You did nothing wrong, but I can’t be around you right now, for myself. I cannot handle the sound of your newborn crying, when I never got to hear that sound from my son. I cannot hold your baby, when the last infant I held was my silent child. I can’t be around your joy because mine was taken away the moment my son’s heart stopped. I want to celebrate with you and be there for you, but at this point in my grief, I just can’t. I cannot handle it without breaking down into hysterics and causing a scene, so I will just stay away.
I hate that I feel this way towards you. I want to be supportive of you, even though it kills me that you have what I was supposed to have, a baby. I’m working really hard to not be bitter. I’ve struggled with these feelings when I was trying to conceive and it is about 30 times worse now that my joy and naivety have been taken away. It’s hard to not be angry that this life is so unfair. However, I have to try to not put that anger on you. You did nothing to deserve my resentment.
Please be patient with me. I’m really trying to be okay with everything but it’s a struggle. Please don’t give up on me. I want to support you and your family. I miss the person I was before this immense loss. But, right now I’m not that person. I’m trying hard to get some of the pieces of that person back; however, it’s a challenge. Just know that I care for you and I’m very happy for you. Your happiness is just a reminder of my sadness, and in order to keep my sanity, I need to distance myself from your happiness, just for a little while.
Love,
A Grieving Mother
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Amy Lied is mother to Asher Ray, who was born still on February 19, 2017, and her furry baby, Murphy. Since losing Asher, she has been extremely involved in the loss community and determined to help others experiencing the devastating loss of a child. Amy is a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project, a resource website and Etsy store, that raises money to donate to non-profits which support loss families.
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Thank you so much for sharing. I’m nervous about heading back to work due to the fact that there are a couple of other expecting Moms in the office who are both due to have their babies soon. I truly feel happy for them, but I feel jealous as well. And to have to face this so soon just makes it feel that much more unnfair. I know I can’t avoid it forever though.
This is EXACTLY what i have been feeling for years now. You have expressed in words what my inner feelings are so elequently. Yes, i am happy for others but i am oh so angry on the inside, trying not to let it show. After losing my 19 day old daughter, i was so numb…now 7 years laters and 2 miscarriages later, I just have to do what is best for me even if that makes others think that i am cold and heartless. I just dont want my anger to come out. Thank you so much for writing this!
Thank you so much for putting these words out there for the world to see. When so many people can’t find the words to put down to try to explain.
It’s exactly how I felt for so long after the loss of my son half way through my pregnancy. I am proud to say I am able to hold babies now and be around pregnant women.
Again, thank you for writing this and I am so sorry for your loss. 💙
I’m so happy you related to the words. It was so hard for me to be around people with happy, healthy babies after losing mine for no reason. I’m sorry for your loss as well. <3