{Editor’s Note: This article deals with trying to conceive, infertility and the hope of a living child after loss; if these are sensitive subjects for you, please read with caution.}
By Amy Lied
In our trials to have a child, we have only experienced loss. Initially, we struggled with unexplained infertility, and we felt the loss of the dream of having a child naturally. During fertility treatments, we got pregnant using IUI and then we experienced the loss of that pregnancy at 9 weeks. After that miscarriage, we started trying again and I became pregnant with my son, Asher, naturally. We then experienced the loss of Asher when he was born still at 32 weeks with no apparent reason for why his heart stopped beating.
Now, we have boarded that monthly emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive again. It’s a ride I never thought I would board so soon after the birth of my child, and one I did not board willingly. However, it is a ride I have to be on if I want to have a living child.
Each month starts out with the same hope that this could be it. This could be the month you are pregnant again with your rainbow baby. You track your ovulation and try on the days you think you are most fertile. Then you wait. You wait with hope that this could be the month and you wait with pessimism that this isn’t the month. You try to tell yourself not to get your hopes but you do EVERY time. As the day of your period’s arrival approaches, you pray it doesn’t come. You pay attention to every possible symptom. Is that a cramp? Am I bloating? You tell yourself, “It’s probably just gas” to hold out hope that you are pregnant. But then the time comes when it arrives. You tell yourself that you knew it was going to come, you weren’t pregnant and you knew it the whole time.
However, you didn’t. You hoped beyond hope that you were going to be able to get off of the roller coaster this month. That this would be your last ride. Finally, when you realize that you aren’t, you break. You are mad because you are back on this roller coaster ride so soon after giving birth to a child. Most women don’t try for another child so soon but they are usually the lucky ones who get to keep their children. You cry because you miss the child that you lost. Why can’t you just have the one you delivered? Why aren’t they here? You feel guilty because you are trying to have another child so soon. You aren’t trying to replace the one you lost, no one can ever replace that child, but you still want to raise a child and you can’t give up on that dream. You worry that it will never happen again.
You wait for your period to pass and then, reluctantly, you board the roller coaster again because it is the only option that can lead you to the living child that you so desperately want. Your emotions go up, down, and around as the month progresses. They start up optimistic, drop down to pessimistic and cycle back and forth the entire time. It’s a roller coaster ride that is never fun and you tell yourself each month that you have no hope. However, somehow, it sneaks in there, against your wishes because “when everything else fails, there is only a single rope to hold on to, and that is hope” (author unknown).
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Amy Lied is Momma to Asher Ray, who was born still in February 2017, and Murphy, her fur baby/security blanket. She has been blogging since struggling with infertility and recently started The Lucky Anchor Project, a resource website for loss families and an Etsy store to raise money for loss family non-profits, with a fellow loss mom!
Her journey can be followed on https://doggiebagsnotdiaperbags.wordpress.com/ and https://theluckyanchorproject.wordpress.com/
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