Single Mom of Angel ISO Place to Belong

So, here we are again, approaching Mother’s Day as we do every year. Until I lost Kendall 20 years ago, I had no idea there were people who hated this day. I loved having a special day to celebrate my Mom and my Gramma. I was blessed in that way, still am with my Mom. Kendall’s loss took that from me. I dreaded my first one, and have yet to find complete joy in any single one since.

Not only is Mother’s Day a day to celebrate Mother’s, it is a day to honor and celebrate the women in our lives who mother our children. And, my child never took a breath outside my body and so the world does not always see my motherhood. So on a day that honors what most cannot see, I am left adrift, alone as a Mom of an angel and even more so as a single Mom, whose son’s father checked out long ago.

So, no child to say “Thanks and I love you Mom” and no partner to say “Thanks for loving our son”. I do not fit into the Mother’s Day Brunch celebrating crowd, nor do I find comfort in the childless crowd. I actually do not “find” comfort, I create it. I have not always created it consciously, yet I have managed with time and effort to orchestrate a familiar place. That place for me to honor myself and be open when others share support for my unique form of motherhood. Yet, I long for a space where all of me can be seen, heard and cherished.

I feel isolated some times and left out most of the time. As I write this, I am a bit taken back by how powerful it is to speak that. Sitting here, I am acutely aware of the deep internal space that feels slightly off kilter and unbalanced. I am unsure where I fit in. As a Mom and as a woman, I am unsure where my journey with Kendall allows me to settle and feel at home. Even when those who love and understand me and my connection with Kendall, I know they can reach out and support me, yet they return to a space where they fit. Some with their children, some with their partner and some with both. I do not fit anywhere.

It is a Me, Myself and I kind of journey that feels equally empowering and lonely. The lack of awareness about how adrift that has made me allowed me to navigate losing Kendall exactly how I wanted. I was free to do what I needed without fear of losing my partner. Yet, this also meant I did not have a safe space to intimately share my grief. As I heal, I am aware that this is something I missed out on and something I currently miss.

I have a partner now, he is wonderful and kind and loves me. He understands that this loss has helped shape who I am and he loves me as I navigate anniversaries and difficult days. Yet, I am still unsure how to share it all because it shakes me sometimes still, and when I get wiggly and wobbly, I desperately need somewhere that I fit and can simply rest in that belonging. So far, all of the healing and the peace have brought me closer to belonging yet not quite there.

So, I continue to heal and work on me. I honor the space in my heart and life that Kendall exists and I am opening to the sense of belonging I so deeply crave. While doing what I can to see that need as a hopeful one and not one that makes me weak or needy. It is both a process and gift. As Mother’s Day approaches the feelings of need and isolation rear their heads and remind me I may not fit or belong where I hoped to but I have space and people in which I do, and that is an amazing gift.

Beth Ann Morhardt
Latest posts by Beth Ann Morhardt (see all)

Written by 

Beth Ann Morhardt is an Empowerment Specialist, specializing in domestic violence and its impact on children and parenting. She is Mom to an angel baby named Kendall who she lost via miscarriage in 1998. After much grief and healing work, soul searching and deep reflection she chose not to have other children. While this was often misunderstood by others as a reaction to losing Kendall, for her it was an empowered decision based in love. Being a Mom with no living children allows her to be available and open to being the proud aunt to two of the coolest kids on the planet (and that is not in any way bias, it is simply true). As she navigated the grief and healing journey of Kendall’s loss she was inspired to dig deeper under the pain and begin to look at all areas of her life in which she could live more truthfully. Through this Beth Ann chose to speak of childhood sexual abuse she survived and kept silent about for over thirty years. This choice has allowed her to walk in authenticity and healing in ways she never imagined, never mind hoped for. Walking in authenticity and truth is not always easy. Often the path looks more like an obstacle course than a paved walkway but there is no greater feeling at the end of the day than knowing you lived each moment present and authentically. Read more on her blog, Indeeditistime.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.