As the Mom of an angel baby, who at the time of his loss was no longer in a relationship with his father, Father’s Day has never been a day that I enjoy. I am blessed with a wonderful Dad and so I am glad to honor and celebrate with him but it is a day that reminds me Kendall was short changed in the dad department. His father had not decided if he was going to be involved, which I was comfortable with. I knew it would be hard to raise Kendall solo, but I was prepared to do that, and had family and friends who would have supported and loved us both through it all.
What I was not prepared for, what I am pretty sure no one can prepare for, was grieving Kendall solo. No one to truly prepare for the loss of a baby, this I know. What I mean by prepare for, is grief in and of itself will knock the wind out of you and create a scar all on its own. It can gut your life and leave you in a state of despair that is incredibly isolating. No one knows how they will respond until they are standing in the midst of it, which is the absolute worst time to try and figure anything out. All of which is horrible enough, yet on top of the torturous pain of grief I found myself full of resentment. Resentment rooted in the reality that the one other person who is living through the loss of the same child has no interest in or ability to share grief. I know some people may think it is unfair of me to assume I knew how he felt or what he was doing, yet his actions made it clear to me, there was going to be no support.
Four days after I learned my son was no longer living and growing inside of me, I got a voicemail checking on my feelings. A simple check spoken into an answering machine that when I went to return, went to a disconnected phone number. You see, I did not need to try to figure out how he was feeling, I was too stunned to get to that place. I was left listening to an automated message that was telling me I no longer had any option to grieve with my son’s father. A message, as impersonal as possible, delivering news that could not be more personal. An audio version of a Dear Jane Letter, that made such a letter something I craved, not something I dreaded.
So, each year as Father’s Day approaches, I am left with the pain that I chose a man for my son’s father who was incapable of being there for him or me. I held guilt for a very long time about that choice. Yet, I also knew there would have been no Kendall without him, so I always end up feeling more grateful than less. I do wonder if he stops and thinks of Kendall on Father’s Day. If, when he spends time with his children and grandchildren does he miss what might have been. Some years it is harder than others. This year is easier. I have a Dad, a brother and a partner I can celebrate. I have learned over time that resentment does nothing but cause me more pain and I do not want pain to exist in the same space as the love I have for Kendall. The pain of his loss and the might-have-beens that were taken from us both is more than enough. So, I wonder how it might have been different and then I let it go. I missed out on having a partner to grieve with but I also got to, and still do get to, choose how I love and honor Kendall’s life and the role his Dad played in all of that. And for me, that is enough (most times).
- Sharing My Truth - August 27, 2019
- Giving Back - April 1, 2019
- One Day, It Will Feel Safe To Begin To Peek Out & Explore - February 18, 2019