By Brooke Long
Just last weekend, while driving home from seeing my two amazing godchildren, I heard the new song “Life Changes” by Thomas Rhett for the first time. A country girl at heart, I’ve always enjoyed his music… but something about this song struck a chord in me that I hadn’t been expecting. And it all started with 10 little words; “Life changes, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
For those of you who aren’t familiar with country music or this catchy tune, it is a song Thomas wrote about his own life and how he got to be the man he is today. He chronicles his journey from being an undergraduate student who couldn’t decide where his life was going to marrying the love of his life from 2nd grade, releasing his first albums, adopting a little girl from Uganda, and unexpectedly finding out that they had naturally conceived their own biological daughter. Throughout the entire song, he keeps coming back to the idea that even though life continuously throws him unexpected challenges and victories, he wouldn’t change the path he is on “for the world.”
For some of us, however, those words are lined with pangs of guilt. I was 18 years old when I lost my daughter to miscarriage. She was, and is still, the most important person in my life, and everything I do is to honor her memory. After her death, I threw myself into my schoolwork. I made it through undergrad, struggled through the end of a 7 year relationship with her father, found a way to support myself without the help of my friends or family, graduated with honors, and got accepted into a doctoral program in the field of my dreams where I am in my 3rd year of 5 with a 3.9 GPA. I’m currently living in the big city (a huge change for a small town girl!) and managing to hold down my own apartment and a fairly-brand-new car. My life is currently great, but is it awful of me to admit that I wouldn’t change it for the world?
I know at this point, some of you are reading this with acid on your tongues and smoke coming out of your ears. How could I say I wouldn’t change my life for anything when my child has died? And I understand. I was once in your shoes as well, wondering how other loss moms could dare to smile and enjoy life when the most important piece of their heart was missing. Wasn’t it an insult to my child’s memory to be happy again? To move on and let the world believe she had never existed? Don’t get me wrong, I would give my life ten times over for a chance to save hers. But I also know that had she survived, none of what I have accomplished would have been possible. Could I have graduated college? Most likely but I would have had to choose a “safe” major, which would not have afforded me the opportunity to find my passion the way I have. Her father and I would have married, which would have resulted in a terrible and abusive home and likely would have ended in a costly divorce that would have financially ruined me. And I certainly would not be pursuing a doctorate that will allow me to change the course of countless peoples’ lives throughout my career.
When I first heard those ten words come through my speakers, the guilt was almost unbearable. But the more I have thought about them and done my soul-searching, the more I realize that I can’t change the past. Although I’d give the world for her to be next to me, filling out homework forms to start 2nd grade in the fall and signing her up for whatever summer teams she wanted to be a part of, I know that I did all I could to make her life amazing while she was here. She was (and will always be) loved beyond measure, and I would like to think that she is proud that her life was able to make a more profound impact after death than it ever could have if she had stayed. She is always with me, watching over my shoulder, walking by my side in spirit, and guiding me to the motivation I need to be the best person I can be in her honor. Her short life changed the course of mine and caused a ripple effect that has affected everything and everyone around me, wherever I go. And that, my fellow loss mommas, is something I wouldn’t change for the world.
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Brooke Long is a graduate student in the Chicago area, currently holding a Master of Arts and pursuing her doctorate in Clinical Psychology with a special focus on survivors of trauma. Born and raised in rural Northern Michigan, she has been a Still Mother for 8 years to Addison Marie. She prides herself in being an artist, a writer, and a world-changer, and when she is not studying furiously for exams you can find her crossing items off her food bucket list and begrudgingly hitting the gym. It is her hope that her experience as a young loss mother can help to change the conversation in the loss community surrounding miscarriage, stillbirth, and child loss to teenage and early adult parents, who often feel lost in the shuffle. You are never alone.
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