I’m approaching my 6th year as a loss mom; which is a bit crazy – it means some how, some way, I have survived the past 6 years, even though Thomas didn’t. I never would have imagined surviving that first hour; let alone 6 years. What I have realized lately, is when well meaning people are checking on those with grief, the question is not “how are you” but “how are you, today?”
Every day on this hellish roller coaster is different. It depends on the time of year, if there has been or will been a holiday or a triggering anniversary. Did I have one of my nightmares? Is it my mind that hurts or my heart? Or perhaps I have escaped into numbness for a brief spell, disassociated and not feeling anything, for a lovely (albeit not healthy) break from my reality.
I was recently on holidays; my friend wanted to show me a picture of her grandchild. Bless her, because she asked me first “Are you okay with pictures of babies?” She knows how and when we lost Thomas, she knows he will be our one and only. And I’m so appreciative she asked – because an hour before I woke up in tears, again, heart physically hurting, having dreamt that Thomas died, that I had lost him all over again. And I could tell her, “today, I’m really not okay and I’m so, so grateful you asked and understood”.
Being okay is a day by day thing. Being not okay is an hour by hour process, that I grapple with often. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be sad, to laugh, to cry and to cycle through all of those emotions at any given time.
I have made it my own personal boundary not to lie. Not to tell people I am okay, when I am not. I am honest with my parameters and abilities, so people may understand what I am and am not capable of and why. I lied for years. Mostly, by omission but I did it so others wouldn’t be weighed down by my pain. I didn’t do it for my own best interest but so others wouldn’t experience the discomfort of grief, the rawness and heaviness, as it coiled around me. Those days are past; I know I can help myself (and others) best by allowing them to see how I am really faring. And in turn, when I am especially lucky, they ask my boundaries so I can inform them of what I’m capable of that day, since it is so fluid and every changing.
So – how are you doing, today?
- The Importance Of Pictures - October 12, 2020
- Self-Isolation And Still Mothers - April 3, 2020
- And Here We Are - June 24, 2019