Last month marked what would have been Kendall’s 20th birthday. I spent it alone, as I have almost every other one, yet this time was different. Internally, I have shifted from the place of “these anniversaries are sacred and mine alone” to the space of wanting to have someone, or someones, stand with me through them. I used to imagine what that would feel like, having someone who held onto you through the hard days but I never actively wanted anyone to do that because I had no frame of reference for what it might actually be like.

My yearning was for something almost mythical, so it never made sense to actually seek it out or be open to it.

Grieving as a single mom of an angel baby has always felt like one more way I do not fit in. Yet, as I have healed over time and in many ways, I find I am not as out of the loop of connection as I once believed. I started to feel I could fit in, I may be part of something and even could be understood. It felt weird. It felt uncomfortable. And, sometimes, it felt scary.

You see, when alone is the only way you have done things and the only way you feel comfortable, it feels almost exploitative to Self, to let people in. The imbalance and internal conflict of desperately wanting to be understood while being to scared to let anyone see what is hurting you causes pain and sadness. That pain and sadness can feel overwhelming in moments and because there is no one to remind me it is normal and/or okay, it feeds into the idea that something must be wrong with me.

Oh the joy of that circular, whirlwind of a ride! What this year’s would-have-been-birthday taught me, is that grieving alone is NOT the same as being alone.

I may not have arms to hold me when I cry or a quiet reassuring voice telling me I can and will get through it but I have connections and comradery through online groups full of folks who understand all too well. I have books and stories flowing with words and visual reminders that no matter how alone I may feel, there are more parents who understand baby loss than anyone wants to acknowledge.

We are our own type of family. We have our own traditions and ceremonies. We cry with and for each other, while also reminding each other we can and will get through the hardest days because we already have. I have quotes and Facebook groups I can wander through. I can pull open my Kendall and Me chest and read the kind words of loved ones who knew then, and still do in some instances, that losing Kendall was changing who I was. I may have spent time alone all day, and other days, but being alone is not something I am any longer on this particular pathway of my journey.

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Beth Ann Morhardt

Beth Ann Morhardt is an Empowerment Specialist, specializing in domestic violence and its impact on children and parenting. She is Mom to an angel baby named Kendall who she lost via miscarriage in 1998. After much grief and healing work, soul searching and deep reflection she chose not to have other children. While this was often misunderstood by others as a reaction to losing Kendall, for her it was an empowered decision based in love. Being a Mom with no living children allows her to be available and open to being the proud aunt to two of the coolest kids on the planet (and that is not in any way bias, it is simply true). As she navigated the grief and healing journey of Kendall’s loss she was inspired to dig deeper under the pain and begin to look at all areas of her life in which she could live more truthfully. Through this Beth Ann chose to speak of childhood sexual abuse she survived and kept silent about for over thirty years. This choice has allowed her to walk in authenticity and healing in ways she never imagined, never mind hoped for. Walking in authenticity and truth is not always easy. Often the path looks more like an obstacle course than a paved walkway but there is no greater feeling at the end of the day than knowing you lived each moment present and authentically. Read more on her blog, Indeeditistime.

Latest posts by Beth Ann Morhardt (see all)

• Sharing My Truth - August 27, 2019
• Giving Back - April 1, 2019
• One Day, It Will Feel Safe To Begin To Peek Out & Explore - February 18, 2019