Holiday Cheer, Not So Much

Happy Holidays! Such a simple wish, seemingly full of joy and comfort. Yet, for those who are missing a baby or child during this season, it is full of many things but often neither joy nor comfort. I remember many years, at the beginning of this journey, when the holiday season was excruciating. Each Santa display, brightly lit tree or bustling and busy party were more like exercises in torture than festive. Yet, with time and healing that has eased greatly.

It is not simply that years pass, for me, it is more about choosing to see the opportunities for love and cheer. The tiny moments where hearing a laugh or sharing a hug allow me to not focus on the pain of never having Kendall with me to celebrate all of the traditions my family has, or be able to make new ones just for us. It is about finding my own traditions that honor my loss, and as decades passed, finding ways to celebrate who I was and who I am becoming.

One of my favorite things, from the time I was little all the way through today, is seeing beautifully wrapped gifts under the Christmas tree. There is something about knowing someone is getting a surprise that they will enjoy that makes me smile. Sure, I wished that the one getting the surprise was my son, but that is not how my journey is. It was really hard in the beginning to not be able to have a little one to buy things for and spoil. So I chose to find organizations that worked with children who needed some brightness in their holidays and donate gifts. I would select age-appropriate gifts for whatever age Kendall would have been that year. I knew it was helping someone but was well aware it was helping me more than anyone else. It was authentic and hopeful. Looking back, it was more significant than that. It was, some years, the sole enjoyment I had during this holiday season.

Twenty years have come and gone, which most days I cannot even wrap my head around. I do not dread the holiday season any longer, yet I still have sad moments. I am blessed with family, who I love and love me back, and get to spoil my niece and nephew in ways I know I would not have been able to do if I was a single Mom. I share my ups and downs with others so they know they are not alone at this time of year. And I am able to give back in memory of Kendall, which warms my heart.

I have angels in my decorations and other ornaments that honor Kendall. I say yes to things that make me feel good and no to things that don’t. I sometimes share why I am not up for events and sometimes simply decline. I am never sure exactly what will work when or how but I am certain of one thing. When we are struggling with the holidays, or any other days for that matter, we owe no one an explanation or a polite, fake-it-til-you-make-it smile. We do not have to suffer through a party or dinner simply because others want us there. We get to choose HOW we make it through our holidays. Sometimes traditions help. Sometimes new activities help. And sometimes nothing helps. But if we remain true to what our souls whisper to us, we will get through it and may even have glimpses of comfort and joy.

Beth Ann Morhardt
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Beth Ann Morhardt is an Empowerment Specialist, specializing in domestic violence and its impact on children and parenting. She is Mom to an angel baby named Kendall who she lost via miscarriage in 1998. After much grief and healing work, soul searching and deep reflection she chose not to have other children. While this was often misunderstood by others as a reaction to losing Kendall, for her it was an empowered decision based in love. Being a Mom with no living children allows her to be available and open to being the proud aunt to two of the coolest kids on the planet (and that is not in any way bias, it is simply true). As she navigated the grief and healing journey of Kendall’s loss she was inspired to dig deeper under the pain and begin to look at all areas of her life in which she could live more truthfully. Through this Beth Ann chose to speak of childhood sexual abuse she survived and kept silent about for over thirty years. This choice has allowed her to walk in authenticity and healing in ways she never imagined, never mind hoped for. Walking in authenticity and truth is not always easy. Often the path looks more like an obstacle course than a paved walkway but there is no greater feeling at the end of the day than knowing you lived each moment present and authentically. Read more on her blog, Indeeditistime.

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