One common experience of bereaved parents is the unhelpful comments that are so often directed at us. One of the ones that I most hate is when they accuse us of being stuck in our grief or stuck in the past because we are not done with grieving as fast as they think we ought to be done.

First, who exactly is qualified to determine how long I should grieve?  Is there some spreadsheet or online calculator I am supposed to consult to figure out the expiration date on my grief?  Do you only get to grieve for the same number of days that you were pregnant or the number of days that your child was alive outside the womb? If you suffer multiple losses do you add those days together or are they multiplied?  Am I allowed to grieve longer if I don’t post about it on social media?  No one else knows the depth of our love for our child so how dare they presume to tell us how long we are to grieve.

Second, this phrase, that we are stuck in the past, reeks of fake concern.  The speaker is usually more bothered by their own discomfort at our grief, rather than with the actual pain we are feeling.  They would prefer that we faked being happy or if we acted more normal so that they don’t have to think about loss or the the possibility it could happen to them.  They would prefer we not take steps to protect our hearts, or practice self-care, if that means that their plans might be affected.

Third, this phrase is just unhelpful.  Telling us we are stuck offers no comfort, no understanding and no empathy. Instead it carries judgment that we are grieving wrong by someone else’s standards. If you are truly concerned about your grieving friend, give them a hug and sit with them in their pain. Let them know that you are a safe person to open up to, that you can listen without giving unsolicited advice.

Fourth, implying that our grief should be done would imply that our loss is a singular event and it is in the past.  My losses are not just in the past.

My children are dead. 

They are dead in my past.

They are dead in my present.

And they are dead in my future.

Yes, my phrasing is harsh.  But this is my reality. And reality can be very harsh sometimes.  My losses happened in the past but they are also continually happening. They happen again every morning when I wake up from the dreams that are so much happier than reality.

I miss the babies I never got to hold. I miss the toddlers learning to speak. I miss the first days of school. I miss the graduations. I miss the weddings. I miss the grandchildren that will never be. My loss runs through the continuum of my life and loss shapes all that happens going forward.  

We learn to live life with our grief. Over time it becomes more our companion, rather than our master.  But it is not for anyone else to tell me, or you, that we are stuck in our grief or how long our grief should last.

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Maureen Schaefer

Maureen Schaefer (known as Reen to her online friends) found herself battling infertility and recurrent miscarriage after trying to start a family in 2011. Maureen found information and solidarity in her online support groups and eventually began to help moderate a group for those pursuing advanced methods of trying to conceive. She also co-founded a group for those actively trying to conceive who have experienced two or more pregnancy losses or babies born still (Babycenter's Actively Trying with Repeat Loss). Now, after five pregnancy losses, Maureen is coming to terms with living a childless life. You can usually find her behind the scenes helping out with Still Mother's Facebook page and groups.

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