This one is for the fathers of our children. The ones that were there for us through our pregnancies, our tears, our grief, our surgeries. The men that picked us back up when our worlds fell apart. This is for the fathers of our children who far too often go unrecognized. They do not say anything about this unrecognition. To them, it is the way of the world. It should not be that way.
Our children may not be living, but that does not make the men any less fathers. The toughest father is the one that will never get to see their child grow. It is our job as the mothers of their children to stand up for them. It is our job to make sure they know we see their fatherhood.
These are the men that held us while we sobbed our hearts out and laid shattered on the floor. The men who made sure we ate, even when we did not want to. The men that have stood by us even when times were tough.
Men grieve very differently from women.
It is like that saying from when we were young, “Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.” The way we grieve is from different planets. Do not think because he is not crying that he is not thinking about his baby. He thinks about her every day. Everything he does is in her memory. He is embracing life for her. He is hurting too.
Rough patches are the hardest. Our children died. There are going to be rough patches in your relationship. During those patches, it is hard to remember that both parents are grieving. It is hard to remember to lean into each other.
Even though there are no living children, you both are still parents. Still mothers and still fathers. Lean into each other, especially when it is hard. Ask him to think about what he needs from you and let you know. Then give him space to figure it out. When you give them time to think about it, they can come up with a way you can help them. A way that they can let you into their grief.
Remember during those rough patches, he is thinking about your child too.
He is struggling and grieving. Do not judge him for the way he grieves. It may not show that he is. Instead, they may process their grief by finally quitting the job they have hated for years, to start fresh and follow a dream that he put off for twenty years. It may turn into him working in the garden, tending his plants and watching them grow. His grief may be silent, but it is not any less.
There are three days a year, for some of us it is two days, that we must show them they are fathers: Father’s Day, your baby’s birthday, and the day your baby died. He needs to be the other half of the plan and recognition those days, equally. On Father’s Day, it is 100% about him. Just like on Mother’s Day it is 100% about us.
What we should be doing is recognizing them throughout the year, every day. Not just those special days. Every day. Show him you see his fatherhood in the way he tends his garden or fixes things around the house. Show him you see his fatherhood in the way he cares for you. Show him you see that he is grieving in his own way.
The fathers of our children lose the futures they hoped and dreamed for. They will never get to play sports with them or take them fishing. They will never get to threaten the first boyfriends or hold them after the first breakup. They will never get to walk their daughters down the wedding aisle. They will never get to be grandparents.
What they do get is to carry the memory of their baby. They get to be proud of the beautiful baby they helped create. They get to embrace life knowing that she is proud.
They should be seen.
My husband lost our baby as much as I did. No, he did not carry her for eight months in the womb. But she is his baby as much as mine. He is hurting and grieving.
They are our biggest supporters. We need to be theirs. Let them know you see them.
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Jenny and her husband, Robert, live by a river with their two dogs. Their daughter River was still born on December 22nd, 2016. After River, died they decided that life is too short to put off doing what you love. Jenny became a certified fitness professional and Robert joined the Air Force. They both embrace life for their daughter and take each day as a blessing.
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