To my friend who asks about my pregnancy.
Thank you. Thank you for realising I want to talk about it. Thank you for realising my pregnancy still means something to me. Thank you for allowing me to share my memories. Thank you for asking my advice in relation to your own pregnancy.
To my friend who asks about my midwife.
Thank you. Thank you for realising I did all the normal pregnancy things up to a point when I couldn’t. Thank you for acknowledging the normal parts of my pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on your midwife.
To my friend who asks to see my children’s photos and mementos.
Thank you. Thank you for acknowledging my children’s existence. Thank you for realising I have photos and keepsakes. Thank you for allowing me to share my most precious memories with you. Thank you for acknowledging how much I want to share what little I have of my children.
To my friend who asks about my children unprompted.
Thank you. Thank you for normalising my children. Thank you for understanding how important it is for me to know my children are remembered. Thank you for sharing your opinions on what they might be like. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to parent my children aloud.
To my friend who brings my children up in casual conversation.
Thank you. Thank you for not making a big deal of the empty space beside me. Thank you for allowing me to speak freely about my children. Thank you for remembering. Thank you for making the effort. Thank you for speaking their names. Thank you for giving me these precious moments.
To my friend who acknowledges I am a mother.
Thank you. Thank you for remembering, even though they are not here to remind you. Thank you for remembering me on Mother’s Day. Thank you for asking how I parent my children from afar. Thank you for seeing me with this identity.
To my friend who acknowledges/celebrates my children’s birthdays/anniversaries.
Thank you. Thank you for remembering. Thank you for remembering how old they are. Thank you for remembering unprompted. Thank you for giving me the opportunities to share my pride. Thank you for remembering they are bittersweet moments. Thank you for supporting me.
To my friend who remembers that some days are hard.
Thank you. Thank you for seeing that there is a mask in place. Thank you for allowing me to be real about my feelings. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for knowing my triggers. Thank you for being at my side. Thank you for being my friend.
To my friend who includes me in her pregnancy.
Thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to navigate this emotional minefield. Thank you for including me. Thank you for sharing each moment, each photo with me. Thank you for talking to me about the highs and lows. Thank you for sharing your hopes and dreams.
To my friend who understands their pregnancy causes joy and sorrow.
Thank you. Thank you for acknowledging how much I wish I was you. Thank you for seeing that I am happy and sad for you. Thank you for holding my happiness and sorrow in your heart. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for giving me space when needed without judgment.
To my friend who includes me in raising their child.
Thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a part of your family. Thank you for acknowledging my love for your child. Thank you for giving me a role. Thank you for sharing your precious moments with me.
To my friend who cries with me.
Thank you. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for acknowledging my pain. Thank you for not trying to fix it. Thank you for feeding me chocolate. Thank you for sharing my pain. Thank you for being there when I need a shoulder.
To my friend who wishes my life was different.
Thank you. Thank you for acknowledging my life is now on a different path. Thank you for seeing how much I wish I could change the past. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being consistent.
To my friend who acknowledges the hurt of being a bereaved mother.
Thank you. Thank you for seeing my new identity. Thank you for acknowledging my identity. Thank you for saying ‘this sucks.’ Thank you for loving me when I can’t love myself. Thank you for seeing me as I am.
To my friend who walks by my side.
Thank you. Thank you for acknowledging the important moments and milestones. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for doing normal friend activities with me. Thank you for accepting who I am. Thank you for being my friend.
To my friend who stayed through the hard times.
Thank you. Thank you for seeing I am broken. Thank you for staying. Thank you for being strong when I couldn’t. Thank you for not pushing me to change. Thank you for being my light in the dark. Thank you for letting me be a bad friend at times. Thank you for accepting me for who I am.
To my friend who stayed away.
Thank you. Thank you for realising you couldn’t support me. Thank you for acknowledging your limits and boundaries. Thank you for not tainting the memory of our friendship. Thank you for the memories and good luck.
To my friend who walked away.
I am sorry. I am sorry you couldn’t stay. I am sorry I wasn’t able to be the friend you wanted me to be. I am sorry you couldn’t be the friend I needed you to be. I am sorry you felt you had no choice. I am sorry you didn’t talk to me. I miss you.
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Steph is a mother to 7 angels; all died before the end of the first trimester with no reasons known. Steph writes to share her journey with others and to make sense of her feelings and identity in a world that celebrates family.
- Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020
To a friend I don’t know
Thank you for sharing these words that help me understand my feelings and thoughts about the people around me. Hopefully, I will in turn be able to share this with them some day.
Elisabeth, mother to a boy who lived a perfectly long and good life in the womb, but who didn’t survive the final few minutes of birth