We have this image in our heads of the people in our lives. We see what they do for others in times of need. We see how amazing they are and then we expect that image to come true for us when we need them the most.
Unfortunately, people rarely live up to expectations or the image in our heads. Especially when it comes to the death of a child. Those people that were amazing for their friends in their times of need may not be who show up in yours. Losing a child is not something anyone can understand unless they have experienced it. Despite that, people will judge you. That you can expect.
With child loss, expectations must be thrown out. People will disappoint and disappear. Families get torn apart. Hearts shatter. New people come into our lives that bring joy and light. People you would never expect to show up when you need them the most do.
Expectations are our downfall.
The people in our lives expect us to grieve and move on. We do not. We grieve for the rest of our lives. We have triggers that send us down a spiral. Nightmares that derail an entire day. Days, weeks, months of tears that slowly fade.
The days get better, but our grief and love never end. People expect our grief to be linear and have an end date.
We expect people to speak our baby’s name and remember our pain. They do not. Some say it is fear of upsetting us. Others forget entirely.
We expect compassion when we give our baby’s things as gifts because we want to see them cherished and used. They are not.
We expect the pain to go away someday. It does not. We expect the desire to have another kid to come back. It may not; it did not for me. People expect us to have more children and do not understand why we do not.
We expect people to understand when we need to change our lives. They do not, not always.
Expectations will be our downfall.
After three and a half years of grieving, I have learned to let it all go. All the expectations. I have learned to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling at that moment. I wish I had been wise enough to let go of expectations and to communicate my needs when my daughter died. A lot of heartaches could have been avoided. People cannot hurt you or disappoint you if you expect nothing. I know, it is cynical.
It is okay to tell the people in your life what you need. Things will never change otherwise.
I will be honest. Grief for our children is the loneliest heartache in the world.
It took me three and a half years to find the word that describes childless parents. Vilomah. It is the Sanskrit word for against the norm. It is the word for us, like the words widows or widowers are for those who lose their spouses.
Considering there is no word in the English language to describe us, why would we expect anyone to understand what we need? Expectations are our downfall. It’s the downfall of those around us as well.
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Jenny and her husband, Robert, live by a river with their two dogs. Their daughter River was still born on December 22nd, 2016. After River, died they decided that life is too short to put off doing what you love. Jenny became a certified fitness professional and Robert joined the Air Force. They both embrace life for their daughter and take each day as a blessing.
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Yes, expectations are our downfall. I wish I could do what you did, but every year, even after 15 years, I’m still saddened and disappointed when family members forget birthdays and death days yet again. We lost not only our three children, but also our futures, and relationships were lost or changed forever.