The last two years have been tumultuous, full of change, growth, steps forward, and steps back.  A divorce. Two moves.  A new home with a fresh start; a place to make my own. And even a glimpse of a future with some happiness, contentment, and maybe even budding romance.

I thought this year, in my new home, I would embrace a little of the holiday spirit and decorate a tree again. I have forbidden all Christmas music in my home but I thought that I could handle the tree.

I started unboxing the ornaments and slowly spacing things out on the tree. Then I found the older ornaments.  Many of my childhood ornaments have been lost over the years but my little rocking chair from my third Christmas survives. It is a little dirty, a little worn, but still so adorable.

I sent a picture of it to a couple of people and reminisced how my siblings and I  would each decorate our own tree.  We would arrange and rearrange things for weeks before Christmas.

My moment of nostalgia quickly reminded me how much I had longed to share that tradition with my own kids. To pick out new ornaments each year for them and watch them get to express themselves by decorating their own little tree.

Some things will never be.

While most days, I am content-ish with my life; I am determined to make the best life I can for myself with the hand I have been dealt. But there are still unexpected moments that knock the wind out of me.

Grief is a sneaky bastard.

It will show up when and where you don’t expect it.  You can’t prevent it; you can only deal with it as it comes.

I just needed to give myself some time to breathe through the pain. I let it wash over it me tonight.  Eight years out from my last loss, it can still knock me down but I have more faith in my resilience.

I will survive this. I will get back up again.

Tonight was one of those days that grief knocked me down. I set the ornaments aside, to finish the tree another day. Tomorrow I will pick up the rocking chair ornament again and I hope this time I will smile, with no tears in my eyes.  I will remember the love behind the ornament.

I will add more love to my tree and look for more ornaments to add with my babies’ birthstones. I can’t pass any traditions on to them but I can incorporate them into this tradition.

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Maureen Schaefer

Maureen Schaefer (known as Reen to her online friends) found herself battling infertility and recurrent miscarriage after trying to start a family in 2011. Maureen found information and solidarity in her online support groups and eventually began to help moderate a group for those pursuing advanced methods of trying to conceive. She also co-founded a group for those actively trying to conceive who have experienced two or more pregnancy losses or babies born still (Babycenter's Actively Trying with Repeat Loss). Now, after five pregnancy losses, Maureen is coming to terms with living a childless life. You can usually find her behind the scenes helping out with Still Mother's Facebook page and groups.

Latest posts by Maureen Schaefer (see all)

• The Ornament - December 7, 2021
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